In a world where all manner of desserts are available at every turn, where I have to resist the urge to buy some tasty baked treat every time I go to the grocery store, there is an essential question that must be answered: Which is better, cake or pie? I mean, they’re obviously both awesome, but in America, we like a winner god dammit. So I must go on a literary and anthropological quest to find out which one is the best.
To help me figure out this great question of modern times, I made a call out to my public. And like 15 people answered. Which is about 14 more than I thought would. My informal Facebook poll was also an interesting social experiment, but that’s another conversation for another time. The result was an overwhelming victory for pie, checking in with a whopping 74% of the vote. Despite the fickle opinions of democracy, I’m still not completely convinced, so I’m going to run through the arguments for each before I make my final decision.
Pie is the dessert I make most often, so it’s as good a place as any to start. You might be saying, “Ben, doesn’t that make you biased?’ I like to think that I have enough journalistic integrity to not let my personal feelings play into such an important matter, and I will do my best to distance myself emotionally from what will undoubtedly be an excruciating decision.
Pie is good because is has a mix of textures and flavors. The sweetness and freshness of the filling (assuming a fruit pie) mixes delightfully with the flakey, buttery crust. Every mouthful is a combination of sweet and savory, of kinda healthy and terrible for you. I wrote in my notes that a pie tastes fresher, but now I’m not really sure what that means, or how I can prove or describe it, but that fact is noted for the record. Pie reminds one of Thanksgiving, the most glorious of all holidays. It recalls great times spent with family stuffing your face, playing games, and watching the Seahawks kick some 49er ass.
I’m also a fan of the fact that it includes straight fruit. Each part is uniquely its own, unlike the homogeny of the cake. It isn’t always fruit in there, though. The pie is very adaptable and can house anything from chicken to ice cream to pumpkin paste. The possibilities are endless. And that’s not even counting pizza. I’m not sure it’s right to count pizza. Might have to do another Facebook poll. Those people are probably so sick of me by now. There’s also no disgusting frosting polluting the delicious goodness and it can’t as easily be made from a mix, which keeps the general level of quality higher. Finally, apple pie equals America. Nuff said. Don’t worry that my bias is coming through because of all the glowing things I said about pie, I have just as many extravagant claims about cake. After all, these are two of the major reasons that we rise to face every new day in this strange, strange world.
The first thing that can be said strongly for cake is birthdays. You can’t have a birthday without a cake. I think it’s actually communist to do that. I’ll have to double check the manifesto, but I’m pretty sure their birthdays are celebrated with straight vodka. As much as I love pie, I would never consider making a “birthday pie”. It just sounds unnatural. Like pie, cake also has a lot of versatility. If I could compare them to something, I’d say one is Ben Zobrist and one is Mark McLemore. Not sure which is which. Could go either way.
The beauty of a cake is that it’s disarming. It’s moist and warm and comforting. It’s easy to make, especially with the help of a mix, but those cakes very much suck. It doesn’t take any extra time for the dough to chill, and is forgiving of inevitable screw ups (although it has a hard time withstanding three times the butter. Oops).
When you get up to the professional level, there’s much more room for creativity in design in cakes than pies. They don’t have a show called Pie Boss on the air. If they make one, I want to be on it, but that’s not really the point. People make all kinds of crazy shit out of cakes. It’s art that also tastes delicious. That seems a little pointless to an uncultured cake hog like me, but I will admit that some of those cakes are pretty bad ass. When they aren’t smothered in frosting and overwhelmed by butter (again, my bad), cakes can also be healthier than pie. At least lower in fat. I’d also much rather eat bad cake than bad pie. I’d even more rather not eat any bad desserts at all, but it still counts for something.
Also, alcohol. Being in the glorious state that is my early 20s, this carries more weight than it probably should, but the fact that cake can carry the weight of rum and be a mixed drink is amazing. Pie might be able to get you drunk too, it’s just not as popular. I have found my next project! Finally, if I’m going to give pizza to pie, I have to give pancakes and cupcakes to cake. And like half of muffins. They’re basically cupcakes. Pancakes are a delicious breakfast staple that make the rest of the day seem much less worthwhile. They definitely give cake a positive bump. And the urge to take a nap.*
There are so many story lines in this battle. Birthdays versus Thanksgiving. Fruit versus not as much fruit. Pumpkin versus pumpkin. (Medium) Hard to make versus easy to make. Distinctiveness versus togetherness. Chocolate versus less chocolate. Butter versus even more butter. The creative cutting edge versus traditional classics. I could go on forever. As a matter of fact, I think I did. Sorry about that, but I’m more excited than an NFL reporter before Super Bowl media day. So many storylines, so little time. I have no idea how to make this decision. I’m not sure I’ve ever faced such a trying situation. Upper middle class white people problems, right?
It’s such a tough call, but I think that pie is an objectively better dessert than cake. I told you I would remove emotion from the equation. Just call me Spock, y’all. Cake is a great dessert, but it fills more of a niche market than pie. On birthdays, I prefer it, but on the regular it’s more of a cult classic to pie’s epic masterpiece. Sure, you love it and quote it often, but you know in your heart of hearts that it doesn’t have the substance to compete. Every time you eat pie, that rush of dopamine to your brain when you see that steaming slice of greatness coming toward you, as though propelled by angels, is impossible to beat. If pie were a person, its last name would be Ever, and its first name Greatest (h/t Drake).