“Nine companions…so be it. You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.” Hey Elrond, you know what other kind of group has nine guys who, a lot of the time, are all white? A baseball team! I thought it would be fun to imagine how the fellowship would stack up as a baseball squad and who each member of the fellowship reminds me of as a baseball player. What starts out as normal nerdy turns into baseball nerdy pretty fast. You have been warned.
Pitcher: Gandalf the Grey
Comparison: Jamie Moyer
Gandalf is the leader of the fellowship and provides leadership on the bump for this team. He’s old as hell, but he’s pretty spry, having walked and ridden halfway to Mt Doom and back over the course of the trilogy, plus he stands up aight in his little fight with Saruman in the first movie/book. He’s calm in the face of danger, we see that multiple times. From Moria to Minas Tirith to the Black Gate, he shows absolutely no fear, so he wouldn’t be at all intimidated by a second and third, one out situation. Jamie also pitched into his grey-haired years and was more effective as he got older, just like Gandalf was when he turned white(r). Can’t you just see Gandalf going up there with an 85 mile an hour cutter and a mid-70s changeup? He also wouldn't give a soul a free pass to first base.
Other possible comparisons: Satchel Paige, Jesse Orosco, Terry Mulholland, anyone else who pitched over 40.
Catcher: Samwise Gamgee
Comparison: Jason Varitek
Sam keeps the whole operation going behind the scenes, much like a good catcher. He isn’t the flashy type, hitting home runs like Mike Piazza, he just hangs out in the background and when you really need him, he shows up. He’ll get the clutch home run and punch a giant spider in the face, saving the season (mission), but he’s not a flashy badass like Aragorn. Varitek has some experience punching unsavory characters right in the face. He’s also fiercely loyal to Frodo, so I wanted to pick a player who stayed with the same franchise his entire career. As much as I hate the Red Sox, Jason Varitek fits all of my requirements. He stayed with the Sox for his entire major league career, and was the unsung rock on a team that won the World Series twice. Sam is also the key to the fellowship winning and getting that ring back to the fiery chasm from whence it came. Frodo wouldn’t have got far without Sam.
First Baseman: Gimli son of Gloin
Comparison: John Kruk
Playing the role of the, hairy, fat power hitting first baseman is Gimli. Dude is super strong and wields an axe with the best of them, so I imagine he’d do a lot of damage with a bat in his hands. Like Krukie, he’s more athletic than he looks and they both obviously love to eat. I think if Gimli were alive in the late 80s, there’s no doubt he’d rock a mullet, because that’s just how he rolls. Gimli also likes to get his drink on. He gets beat by Legolas in what amounts to a shot for shot contest, but Legolas is immortal and shit so that’s clearly cheating. Kruk and the Phillies of the early 90s were famous for their hard partying, so Gimli would fit right in. We can all just be glad that there’s no Joe Carter of Middle Earth, or Gimli might never have made it home from the events of the Lord of the Rings trilogy.
Second Baseman: Pippin Took
Shortstop: Merry Brandybuck
Comparison: Nellie Fox and Luis Aparicio
Who better to represent the mischief-makers-in-chief of this series than the tiny Chicago White Sox double play combo of the late 1950s? Fox is 5’10” 160 and Aparicio is 5’9” 160, both not quite hobbit tiny but pretty wee for human people. Fox and Aparicio were together at the double play for seven years, shorter than Merry and Pippin were causing mayhem in the Shire, but enough to build some serious chemistry. Merry, being the least dumb of the pair, we’ll stick at shortstop so he can lead the infield. In addition to their obvious chemistry, we also know that the hobbits have pretty good arms. They did a hell of a job taking out orcs from Treebeard’s back when the Ents stormed Isengard, and also put their rock throwing skills to good use at the end of Fellowship right before Boromir bit the dust. They’ve also seen some shit over the course of the battle for human/hobbitkind, so they wouldn’t flinch turning two with a runner bearing down on them.
Third Baseman: Frodo Baggins
Comparison: Cal Ripken Jr
The size comparison doesn’t work as well here and Cal was only a third baseman late in his career, but who better to identify with a hobbit who carried an intensely evil object for months on end than a guy who played 2,632 baseball games in a row. Talk about a grind. I’m not sure that Frodo possesses any skill that would make him good at the hot corner, but his little legs wouldn’t be able to run balls down in the outfield, so this is where we’re stashing him. Frodo also leads his team to victory in the war against Sauron, much like Ripken’s 1983, when he won AL MVP and led the Orioles to a World Series championship. Frodo, you the real MVP.
Left Fielder: Boromir son of Denethor
Comparison: Jonny Gomes
This might be my favorite comparison of the bunch. Throughout Fellowship, we weren’t really sure whether Boromir was good or not, just like I’m still not sure whether Jonny is good or not. In 2013, Gomes helped lead the Red Sox on a run to a World Series championship, the one shining moment of career spent hitting below .250. For the first 14 hours of Fellowship, Boromir for all the world seems like a guy just trying to steal the ring for Gondor, which he is. This is his career of hitting under .250. By saving Merry and Pippen at the end of that movie/book, Boromir redeems himself from being the asshole who tried to take the ring from Frodo to a hero who died to protect his friends. That is Boromir’s world series. Dying was kind of a given, though. He was played by Sean Bean.
Center Fielder: Aragorn son of Arathorn
Comparison: Willie Mays
Aragorn is the coolest member of the fellowship, so I thought I’d pair him with the coolest player in the history of baseball. We know Aragorn has range for days in center, at least enough to chase down some Uruk-hai in flight. He also can hit a little bit. When that big Uruk-hai dude who killed Boromir threw a knife at the future king of Gondor, he was able to foul it off and live to fight another day. So we can count on him to grind out at-bats somewhere near the top of the order. What Aragorn really doesn’t have is a signature moment like Willie’s catch in the 1954 World Series. Y’all know it. If not, it’s right here. Watch. Anyway, the closest I think Aragorn gets is either the bridge jumping scene at Helm’s Deep or when he jumps out of the boat with the dead dudes behind him at the Battle of Pelennor Fields. Lotta jumping. Major badasses, both of them.
Right Fielder: Legolas
Comparison: Ichiro Suzuki
Here are two guys who are a little weird, from a foreign land, and took a new group by storm with their finesse and grace. Ichiro busted onto the scene in 2001 with the Mariners and wowed everyone with his stretching and infield hits and gunning Terrence Long at third. He did everything a little different, but he freaking killed it. The man had 200 plus hits for ten years in a row, setting the single season hits record along the way. Legolas jumped into the Fellowship of the Ring as kind of an outsider and sniped the shit out of all orcs in their path. Neither are great leaders, but they are key role players that’ll get you the win every time. Except when Ichiro gets old. Then you’re screwed. Luckily, Legolas literally can’t get old.
Manager/GM: Elrond
Comparison: Andrew Friedman
Elrond makes a team to go save Middle Earth using his version of sabermetrics, inviting everybody and hoping it all works out. Or he knew exactly how it would work out because he and Galadriel can predict the future. He knew what he was doing, though, because Frodo provided quite a bit of value at a low cost. Damn good scouting by the elves. I’d say Friedman trading for Ben Zobrist in 2006 was a similar type of move. They weren’t all shrewd decisions, however. Elrond somehow ended up with Merry and Pippin, two utter idiots, on a mission to save the world. He must not have had the payroll to have beings who knew how to fight go along or something. This isn’t unlike Friedman putting up with having Damon Hollins start in the outfield his first two years as GM in Tampa. If you’re wondering who Damon Hollins is, that’s exactly my point. You also might be wondering why it’s Friedman and not Billy Beane who compares best to Elrond, but Friedman’s actually won something. Kinda. I mean they won the American League once, and that’s pretty good for a team that plays in a shithole like the Trop. That’s where my comparison falls apart. Rivendell is awesome. That stadium is awful. Friedman also sailed off the greener pastures of LA this year, much like Elrond sailed into the undying lands at the end of Return of the King.