Game of Thrones is back, which is extremely exciting and drastically improves the experience of existing on Sunday nights, but I haven’t written anything about it yet. I sincerely apologize for this oversight, which I’m about to rectify momentarily. Plenty of people have compared characters from two different TV shows directly (Robb Stark equals Stringer Bell, etc), but I haven’t seen anything about how characters from one show would do in the universe of another. So I thought it might be fun to put the six friends from Friends in Westeros and try to imagine what would happen. Keep in mind that I haven’t read A Song of Ice and Fire, so all I know of the world of Game of Thrones comes from the TV show. I haven’t read the Friends books either. Hope that won’t be a problem.
Joey Tribbiani:
The only actors we really see in GoT are idiots, namely the idiot Sansa saves from Joffrey’s assholeness, Ser Dontos, who is ultimately killed by Littlefinger. His life sucked, plain and simple. Joey’s happy-go-lucky attitude and unquantifiable Joey-ness would land him in a better spot than Dontos, but he’d still probably end up being a court jester for some rich guy. Hopefully not a king. People tend to die around them. He’d probably also use his jester salary to live in a place he couldn’t possibly realistically afford. Littlefinger may have killed Dontos, but I’m also sure Joey would love to spit a little game at Lord Baelish’s establishments.
Ross Geller:
If there’s one easy joke to make about Ross, and there are several, it has to do with his many trials and tribulations surrounding marriage. He marries a lesbian, says Rachel’s name at the altar, and then marries her while drunk in Vegas. But I’m not telling you anything you didn’t know already. If the first four seasons and three episodes of Game of Thrones have taught us anything, it’s that weddings don’t turn out too well. That’s why there’s no doubt in my mind that Ross would end up killed in a red wedding like situation. There’s no part of a Westerosi wedding that includes the bride’s name, so that’d make it a little easier on our boy, but he’d find some way to screw it up. He’d probably end up marrying someone in a way that would ruffle some feathers and get killed for it. Either that, or someone would just kill him because they found him annoying. Westeros ain’t for the faint of heart. Ross is, if anything, faint of heart.
Rachel Green:
Rachel’s dad is rich. In Westeros, that means she’s a piece in some sort of power play. Sansa is about to be married to Ramsey Bolton to secure the north. Cersei was married to Robert Baratheon to have the next king be half Lannister. Tywin didn’t know just how much Lannister the next king would be. But the point is that many women from well off families in Game of Thrones end up married to some random dude to secure a political alliance. Rachel was basically doing the same thing by marrying Barry Farber in the pilot episode until she came to her senses. In Westeros, she wouldn’t have the option to climb out the window and go live with Monica, so if you put her in this universe, she would undoubtedly be married to some dude she hates, one who makes Barry Farber look like a freaking saint.
Chandler Bing:
There’s no doubt Chandler would have a rough time in Westeros. He has no skills that would help him in any sense. He might be able to make a potential assailant laugh long enough to run away, but that doesn’t seem sustainable. He’s smartish, but not smart enough to work his way into power from nowhere like Varys and Littlefinger. That makes his only chance for real survival being born in a rich family. Money is a surefire solution for lack of anything in Westeros or any other world, really. Chandler’s mom is a minor celebrity in Friends, but I don’t think her comparable fame would be enough to stop someone from killing Chandler for making some sarcastic comment. Poor guy. He just wasn’t built for the GoT life.
Monica Geller:
Unlike her husband, Monica actually has skills that would be useful in Westeros. She can cook up a storm. I see her working in one of those roadside inns that Arya and The Hound or Brianne and Podrick visit on their travels. Basically, she’d be the female Hotpie. Just quite a bit feistier. Many of these places seem to be family establishments. Jack Geller owning a Westerosi roadside inn would be worthy of a sitcom in and of itself. Probably in the river lands. That’s where all the random inns are. I’d definitely watch that. Bad stuff usually happens at these places, though. I imagine Monica and her dad falling victim to some random act of jackassery by Lannister bannerman. Those guys are not nice. It’s a tough league out there.
Phoebe Buffay:
According to her, Phoebe was a little bit of an Arya Stark before her time. Phoebe moved to New York as a kid and fended for herself, living on the street. She mugged people to stay alive, including Ross as a little kid. That’s got to be the easiest mark in the history of muggings, not matter how much unagi he was employing at the time. In short, Phoebe can fend for herself pretty well. I’ve projected dismal lives for most of the friends, so, even though she’s my least favorite friend, I’m going to predict better things for her than the others. Phoebe would be able to survive long enough to find her way to Dorne, a place where her parentage wouldn’t matter as much and her free-spirited ways would be welcomed. Phoebe, you really lucked out. Dorne, in the little we’ve seen of it, seems like the most chill spot in the seven kingdoms. Unless you happen to leave to go fight The Mountain. Then you get skull stew.