Far be it for me to nitpick a work of fiction, especially one of my favorites of all time, but there’s one part of the Harry Potter series that is just completely ridiculous: Quidditch. This does nothing to diminish how much I love the series, but it’s pretty clear that JK Rowling didn’t have a ton of experience with sports before she wrote these books.
First of all, the snitch being worth 150 points is just insane. I realize that this was mostly a literary tool to make Harry seem more important, but the snitch being worth 15 times more than a regular goal by a chaser makes every part of the game except the seekers pretty much irrelevant. In the context of basketball, which is about the closest Muggle comparison to quidditch, that’s like a team being down 28 points and then suddenly winning with a ¾ court shot worth 30 points. It’s just dumb. Why bother scoring goals at all? Just have the whole team fly around looking for the snitch.
A few of the other flaws don’t come from the game itself, but from the way it’s played at Hogwarts. They need house JV teams, plain and simple. Expecting an 11, 12, or 13 year old to be able to compete with 17 year olds is insane. You may say that they’re on brooms anyway so athleticism doesn’t matter as much, but throwing the quaffle to score a goal, hitting a bludger, and playing defense with any manner of physicality, which certainly would be necessary, takes athleticism beyond just being able to fly well. That’s not to mention the fact that tweens can’t grasp the same strategic concepts as kids in their later teens can. Game plans in every sport are much simpler for younger kids and increase in complexity the older they get. There’s no reason to think that wizard kids would be able to grasp more complicated concepts any better.
In addition to having an extra team per house, the players really need actual coaches rather than captains. I know from being a teenage athlete that it’s hard enough to make yourself better at that stage in life. Being in charge of making six other people better at the same time, all while trying to exhibit some amount of control over them, isn’t necessarily a recipe for success. I’m sure there are plenty of ex-Hogwarts quidditch players who aren’t good at much else who would love the opportunity to coach. Hell, you could even do it like high school and have the teachers coach. I’d love to see McGonagall chewing out a ref (Madam Hooch I guess) over a bad call. Snape would be mighty intimidating as a coach as well.
My next point isn’t so much a criticism as a general wondering, but why don’t professional teams play at Hogwarts? There can’t be too many places in Britain that could house a stadium of that size without Muggles noticing something, and with 19 teams in the British league, you would think they’d take advantage of every stadium available. Along that same line, where do all those teams play, and how do they make money? If we take Hogwarts as an estimate of the British wizarding population, there are about 4,000 wizards living in the British Isles. That’s a little over 200 fans per team. How many fans do you think teams like the Chudley Cannons have if they finish last in the league every year? Honestly, it’s probably just Ron. He’s their only fan. How is a team supposed to pay for locations, players, and support staff with 200 fans? Their ticket prices must be off the charts. Speaking of those locations, where are they? Britain is pretty heavily populated. There can’t be too many places like the Quidditch World Cup site that can accommodate flying people without arousing suspicion. Are there indoor stadiums underground like the Ministry of Magic? Somewhere, there’s a Drew Brees like chaser who only plays well inside.
Along that same line, I think it’s curious that we never see any scouts at Hogwarts. Harry’s a pretty damn good player, probably better than Oliver Wood, who we know got signed to play for the Puddlemere United. You’d think someone from one of the 19 teams would make contact at some point. Where else are they recruiting players? Plus, who wouldn’t want the Chosen One on their squad? Think of all the marketing they could get out of it. If Scrimgeour wanted to make a mascot out of him for the Ministry, why wouldn’t some quidditch team take a shot at doing the same thing, especially since he’s actually a pretty good seeker? Maybe it was a Tim Tebow type situation where he would be more trouble than he’s worth, or maybe Dumbledore didn’t let scouts make contact until seventh year, but never seeing one around Hogwarts in the entire series strikes me as weird.
Clearly, quidditch is a game with a lot of holes. Well, six I guess, if you look at it a different way. The Harry Potter books are so fun and their plots so complex that it makes sense that the sport wasn’t super well thought out. I’m glad Jo didn’t compromise story for making pro scouting realistic, but that still doesn’t stop me from pointing out its unfeasibility. I just wish Muggles would stop playing. It’s embarrassing. When we figure out how to fly, I’ll play, but until then I’m going to stick to real sports.