Wait, HE was a Mariner? — The Fox Forum

Spring training has just started, and baseball season is right around the corner. Hope is in the air in Peoria, as we’re all hoping the Mariners can scrape together their first playoff appearance since 2001. When I was in 4th grade. Damn, that was a long time ago. Baseball season is a grind, so the roster a team leaves spring training with is never the one that plays the whole season. There are always a few random guys who don’t really have any business being there. With that in mind, I’m presenting to you today the most random Mariners, by season, since 2000.

But how to measure randomness? In thermodynamics, randomness is defined as entropy and is a system’s attempt to reach thermodynamic equilibrium. At least that’s what it says on Wikipedia. It’s been a while since high school chemistry/physics. What I do remember is that the entropy of the universe is always increasing.

For our purposes today, however, I’m going to define randomness as the function of being able to watch a team for 100 plus games and still not remember that the guy was there for any of them. Forgettable is a word that might also work. They aren’t normally synonymous, but today they are. Also, backup catchers don’t count. They’re all pretty random. It may seem like I’m just picking the worst players on the team, but the mid-2000s Mariners were terrible, so the most random guy kind of has to be even worse. When they were good, in 2001, I picked Ed Sprague, who actually had a pretty good season. So, without further ado, here are the most random Mariners of the 21st century.

2000: Frankie Rodriguez

I’m going to be honest, I mostly picked this guy because he has the same name as K-Rod, but was obviously way worse. I was only eight during this season, so my memory is kind of fuzzy, and I definitely don’t remember him, but baseball reference says he was on the team, and I believe them. This version of Francisco Rodriguez also was a relief pitcher who went 2-1 with a 6.27 ERA in 47 1/3 innings in 2000, his second season as a Mariner. He was subsequently released by the M’s that winter, and after a year with the Reds, retired from the game forever. That’s going to be a common theme. A lot of these guys were out the game soon after being given the prestigious honor of being named most random.

2001: Ed Sprague

As I said before, Mr. Sprague had a pretty good year in 2001. He kind of had to, everybody had a fucking phenomenal year back then. Ed played a little corner infield for the M’s, playing in 45 games and hitting .298. Definitely not bad. He was the starting third baseman on the Blue Jays team that won the 1993 World Series and this gig with the Mariners was kind of his farewell tour. He was never seen playing baseball in the majors again after this record-breaking season, but he was 34 and had a good career, unlike some if not most people on this list. He gets the title as most random mostly because of how stacked that team was. And his name sounds like he should have played in the 40s. Ed just isn’t the name it used to be.

2002: Luis Ugueto

You may remember Luis (or at least I do) as pinch-runner extraordinaire. He played in 62 games in 2002, but only had 25 plate appearances. That means he was in 37 games without swinging a bat, most of them I would bet he was running for Edgar Martinez. He’s so random I couldn’t even remember what position he played. I would have bet outfield, considering the speed and everything, but apparently he was a second baseman. The 2002 team was also pretty good. They won 93 games and just missed the playoffs (where’s the second wild card when you need it?). Luis would definitely be a useful player on a contending team, but as contention fades in the annuls of history, he just comes off looking random as hell.

2003: Giovanni Carrara

Giovanni here begins a streak of about four guys in a row that I picked mostly just for their awesome names. The power of his name is undeniable, but he definitely earns random points for having no pictures on Google as a Mariner besides his headshot. I had to settle for this extremely low-res picture of him playing in Venezuela. He’s so random even the internet forgot he played for the Mariners. The freaking internet! It remembers everything. Carrara actually had a pretty long career that spanned 12 years. For the Mariners in 2003, he was pretty horrendous. He racked up a 6.83 ERA in 29 innings (23 games), again on a team that won 93 games and missed the playoffs. Maybe if he hadn’t sucked so hard, they would have made the damn playoffs. Ever think of that, Giovanni? Freaking dream killer, this guy. This team had some pretty interesting characters: A whiny, pre-closer Ryan Franklin. A washed up and surprisingly good Armando Benitez. The flow of that name, though, gets Gio the coveted most random spot.

2004: Hiram Bocachica

Y’all remember Hiram Bocachica, right? At the time, he seemed to provide a bright spot in a terrible season that we didn’t know would be the sign of things to come for the next ten years. I think his name kind of glossed over some details in my memory, though, because he wasn’t actually that good. He wasn’t that bad, either, but definitely not a guy who gets considerable playing time on a good team. This award could’ve easily gone to Bucky Jacobsen or Justin Leone as well. 2004 was a year we thought was just a blip in a long run of competitiveness. Our young guys like Bocachica, Jacobsen, and Leone could get their feet wet and go out and kick some ass in 2005. Oh how gullible we were. Hiram played a few years after 04 with the A’s before realizing that Japan was probably easier and going over there to do a reverse Ichiro, except way less successfully.

2005: Shin-Soo Choo

2005 had tons of random dudes. Most of them were catchers. Sticking to my rule, a catcher can’t be most random, but there were six catchers on the Mariners roster over the course of the season. SIX. Yikes. Unlike a lot of the later selections, which are guys who used to be good at the end of their careers, here’s a random dude at the beginning of his career before he got good. Choo only played 10 games for the Mariners in 2005, before being traded to Cleveland in 2006 for Ben Broussard. Bavasi! Oh what could’ve been if we hadn’t given all of our talent to other teams. Look how sad Choo is about it. Anyway, he’s the random pretty good player on a team that lost 93 games.

2006: Roberto Petagine

Roberto wrapped up his thoroughly mediocre career in Seattle in 2006. He was like the Michael Crabtree of baseball players. Except far mediocr-er. He only played a full season once, with the Padres in 1999, and hit .238. With the M’s in 06, he hit a robust .185 with one whole home run in 31 games. Killin it. Robby faced fierce competition for most random with TJ Bohn and Matt Lawton (remember when he tested positive for steroids?) but again, the sheer force of a great name can really go a long way. With Petagine out there giving Richie Sexson days off at first base, it’s almost hard to believe this team finished under .500.

2007: Chris Reitsma

First of all, you want to talk about random, how about Mike Hargrove deciding halfway through the season he just wasn’t down with the whole managing thing anymore. I mean, they were even above .500 this year. Crazy shit. Anyway, Chris Reitsma. In his last major league action, Chris managed an ERA over seven in just over 23 innings. Way to really contribute, kid. He actually had some almost decent years for the Braves and Reds, but this was not to be one of those decent ones. This wasn’t that long ago, and I have absolutely no memory of this guy. I almost picked Jason Ellison, because that’s also super random, but I vaguely remembered who he was. So congrats, Chris Reitsma, you can tell your kids you beat Jason Ellison at something.

2008: Tug Hulett

Good old Tug. You know I couldn’t do this list without throwing Tug in there. As far as I remember, Tug was a September call-up who did nothing spectacular on the field, just on the lineup card. This was the season we were supposed to win the west too. Part one. This year is like part three. 2008 was the year of the Erik Bedard trade. All that optimism born out of giving up our best prospects for a mentally and physically weak Canadian had given way to despair and 100 losses by the time Tug joined the fray. In a season we all desperately want to forget, Tug is the most random bright spot possible.

2009: Chris Shelton

Not only is Chris Shelton the most random member of the 2009 Mariners, he’s also the most random AL Player of the Week. In 2006, while with the Tigers, Shelton hit nine home runs in the first 13 games of the year. That’s arguably the craziest stretch in baseball history. And it wasn’t someone actually good, just random as fuck Chris Shelton. So random is clearly in his blood. He was never able to regain anything close to that form. 2009 was the last time he saw major league action. He randomed his way through only nine games, never to play in the bigs again.

2010: Chad Cordero

Chad was good once. He was a pretty damn good closer for the Expos and Nationals back in the day. He even led the National League in saves in 2005, when he was an all-star and finished fifth in Cy Young voting. By the time he made his way to the Mariners in 2010, his effective days were behind him. He gave up more hits than he pitched innings and had an ERA over six, but will now forever be known as the most random member of that team. No one will ever hear Chad Cordero and think Mariners just like no one will hear Jose Vidro and think Mariners.

2011: Wily Mo Pena

Wily Mo is another guy who enjoyed some success before coming to the Mariners, but was mostly know for his prodigious power and propensity to strike out. He mostly brought strikeouts to Seattle in 2011, his last year in the show. I remember thinking, “Oh, maybe he’ll regain some power and make a difference for us.” As you can tell, I’ve been rooting for a bad team for too long. It’s random that so many semi-accomplished players don’t choose to end their careers in Seattle, and Wily Mo is another branch on the random tree.

2012: Josh Kinney

Here we come back to the dudes nobody’s heard of category. Kinney did end his career after this season, but he wasn’t particularly accomplished coming into it. 2012 wasn’t bad to Josh, though. I mean it wasn’t great, but he struck out over ten guys per nine innings and had an ERA under four, so we’ll say he was ok. He wins for this team because it’s only three years later, and even though I can see through the glory of the internet that he was a Mariner, I can’t for the life of me remember him. He appeared in 35 games, too, randomly contributing his mediocrity.

2013: Jeremy Bonderman

A man who suffered through a 119 loss season shows up on our list next. Bonderman went 6-19 for that Tigers juggernaut in his rookie year, and wound down his career ten years later by pitching in seven games as a Mariner. I guess this one isn’t totally random given that he’s from Pasco, but when I think Jeremy Bonderman, I think Detroit Tigers, so much so that I was surprised when I saw his name on the Mariners 2013 roster. Maybe Robert Andino would’ve been more appropriate, but I had to give a tip of my hat to a man who endured so much suffering.

2014: Cole Gillespie

The pride of the Oregon State Beavers is the last member of our very exclusive fraternity. I’m not a huge fan of that program, but I’ll let it slide for my boy Cole. It’s a testament to how random he is that, even though the season only ended a few months ago, I didn’t remember at all that he was on the squad last year. I usually have a good memory for these things. It remains to be seen if he’ll be random like Shin-Soo Choo or more like Luis Ugueto. My guess is the latter. He didn’t really show much in his few starts last summer.

The Randomest Mariners of the 21st Century